Skin – Madonna

[Chorus:]


Do I know you from somewhere?

Why do you leave me wanting more?

Why do all the things I say

Sound like the stupid things I’ve said before?


(Put your hand on my skin)

(Put your hand on my skin)

(Put your hand on my skin)


Kiss me, I’m dying

Put your hand on my skin

I close my eyes

I need to make a connection

I’m walking on a thin line

I close my eyes

I close my eyes


[chorus]


Touch me, I’m trying

To see inside of your soul

I’ve got this thing

I want to make a correction

I’m not like this all the time

You’ve got this thing

You’ve got this thing


[chorus]


Kiss me, I’m dying

Put your hand on my skin

I close my eyes

I need to have your protection

I close my eyes

I close your eyes


(Kiss, kiss, kiss me)


[chorus, repeat]


Kiss me, I’m dying

Touch me, I’m trying, ohhh

I’m not like this all the time

I’m not like this all the time


Put your hand on my skin

Put your hand on my skin

Put your hand on my skin


Touch me, I’m trying, ohhh

Put your hand on my skin

Put your hand on my skin


I’m not like this all the time

I’m not like this all the time

I’m not like this all the time

Free

(null)
Yes, I am free. No house arrest. No breathalyzer, now it’s up to me.

What did I do with my new freedom?!

Well… I got drunk. Blotto, bat-shit crazy, blind drunk. It was great. Liberating. I said awful and hurtful things to the man I love. My ex was called in, as no one could control me. I was an awful yet sloppy viper.

Was it ok? Hell no.

Do I want my freedom? Hell yes.

But if it costs me my own happiness…?

The first night since mid of last year that alcohol crossed my lips… I received a haunting. My uncle came to my tiny apartment late in the night and knocked some artwork off the wall and wrecked stuff. I didn’t think anything at the time.. But it was him. I know it was. Warning me. Because sure enough, the next day I tried to self destruct. Again. Drink after drink, word after hateful word..

Lemme tell you, you can only really do that effectively once, self destruct I mean. After that you are just crying wolf… No one will catch you, or try to save you.

I don’t think it’s the booze. Hell up till VD I had been sober for more than 6 months. The booze just becomes the tool. The weaklings way out. It’s a form of slow suicide, that I had been working towards for years. The law pressed pause… And the funny part now..? I have no job. I’m bankrupt. No credit. Nada. Just me and my cats really. Yet I’m not unhappy. I have a great man in my life. My parents help keep me afloat financially. Essentially life is good. But old habits apparently die hard.

In any event. I’m blogging again. I will more than likely drink again. I’m not hiding behind pretty truths. Like I did in the past. My thirteen year relationship helped make me who I am today, right? Well. The hard truth is that no one wins. I can comfortably tell you that most gay men I know are blind alcoholics. But booze isn’t always the problem… Life is. Tell me I am wrong Grindr men.

Anyways. I am starting over. I am going to live. If I’m invited for a few drinks, I’ll go. I am not afraid to live. But I am going to try to make writing my “drug of choice” again. And the stories I have aren’t pretty. They aren’t pleasant.

I don’t know where I am going in life.. I’m not hanging myself by a rope in the garage, like my uncle did. I’m curious. Too curious. Like my daughters. My cats… Hahah. So we will trudge on. Hopefully my new man will keep me. I do adore him. He’s Mexican, but not as bat-shit crazy as my last Mexican.. Let’s see where this goes.

Awkward

So I have a friend in the funeral industry. It’s been cool in that curious fascinating way that we discuss the forbidden… And he’s an awesome guy in general to know! I consider him a friend and we talk about far more than his work now..

That said an associate at my work recently and quite suddenly passed. As is usual, a funeral and memorial notice was posted. As a store we usually rally together in times of need like this… I noticed, however, that the mortuary was the one my good friend works at. I know it was in poor taste but I inquired as whether he was aware of the deceased. I then got a bit too much info, as one would I guess. So now I know all who’s doing what and when and I am dying inside! I feel shitty for asking and shittier for knowing!

That said I know her well and I believe she’d find this awkwardness amusing.

May she rest in peace.