What did I do with my new freedom?!
Well… I got drunk. Blotto, bat-shit crazy, blind drunk. It was great. Liberating. I said awful and hurtful things to the man I love. My ex was called in, as no one could control me. I was an awful yet sloppy viper.
Was it ok? Hell no.
Do I want my freedom? Hell yes.
But if it costs me my own happiness…?
The first night since mid of last year that alcohol crossed my lips… I received a haunting. My uncle came to my tiny apartment late in the night and knocked some artwork off the wall and wrecked stuff. I didn’t think anything at the time.. But it was him. I know it was. Warning me. Because sure enough, the next day I tried to self destruct. Again. Drink after drink, word after hateful word..
Lemme tell you, you can only really do that effectively once, self destruct I mean. After that you are just crying wolf… No one will catch you, or try to save you.
I don’t think it’s the booze. Hell up till VD I had been sober for more than 6 months. The booze just becomes the tool. The weaklings way out. It’s a form of slow suicide, that I had been working towards for years. The law pressed pause… And the funny part now..? I have no job. I’m bankrupt. No credit. Nada. Just me and my cats really. Yet I’m not unhappy. I have a great man in my life. My parents help keep me afloat financially. Essentially life is good. But old habits apparently die hard.
In any event. I’m blogging again. I will more than likely drink again. I’m not hiding behind pretty truths. Like I did in the past. My thirteen year relationship helped make me who I am today, right? Well. The hard truth is that no one wins. I can comfortably tell you that most gay men I know are blind alcoholics. But booze isn’t always the problem… Life is. Tell me I am wrong Grindr men.
Anyways. I am starting over. I am going to live. If I’m invited for a few drinks, I’ll go. I am not afraid to live. But I am going to try to make writing my “drug of choice” again. And the stories I have aren’t pretty. They aren’t pleasant.
I don’t know where I am going in life.. I’m not hanging myself by a rope in the garage, like my uncle did. I’m curious. Too curious. Like my daughters. My cats… Hahah. So we will trudge on. Hopefully my new man will keep me. I do adore him. He’s Mexican, but not as bat-shit crazy as my last Mexican.. Let’s see where this goes.